What is Cognitive Dissonance?


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In this video we explain the science and history behind cognitive dissonance. The theory of cognitive dissonance is a psychological model put for by Leon Festinger as an alterative to the behaviourist theory. It was a game-changer in the field of psychology.

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Cognitive Dissonance, pain and suffering, after a break-up with a person with Borderline Personality persists – why & how to understand so that you can find the healing you still need.

http://ajmahari.ca/contact – Sessions to heal from BPD relationships
http://borderlinepersonality.typepad.com
http://phoenixrisingpublications.com Ebooks & Audios for BPD Loved Ones (ex or not sure)
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35 Comments

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  1. One video I would love to see you guys do is an explanation about common abuses/misuses of statistics as evidence, such as, "You are more likely to be struck by lightning than you are to be attacked by a shark." This kind of abuse is common and can be outright dangerous in some situations.

  2. Its good to finally be able to put a name to it. I've heard of cognitive dissonance before but I always thought it was just a synonym for hypocrisy. This explains it much better and now I realise what my chief frustration with groups like Flat Earthers, Conspiracy Theorists, Climate Change Denialists, Holocaust Denialists etc. Maybe the solution to all of these is, instead of getting angry with them and arguing, instead we should look for ways to make it easier for them to follow a rational path than to follow the crazy beliefs they end up at.

  3. Climate change deniers are the perfect example of Cognitive Dissonance, they will dismiss the whole body of evidence, claim there is a conspiracy, discredit the field and claim they know better than the experts, so yeah, they check all the boxes. Sorry I'm late, I've just discovered your channel, I'm liking it very much, subscribed! Greetings from an environmental scientist.

  4. If being a gay in denial counts as cognitive dissonance, I had it as well.
    My family, despite seeing the way I behave, still talk about what kind of girl I would end up marrying, probably also have it.

  5. So, in other words: cognitive dissonance is the act of being hypocritical without knowing you're being hypocritical. Do I have that right?

  6. My cognitive dissonance comes from being a smoker, I'm fully aware of the risks so I seemed to have resolved my dissonance by convincing my self that the 'benefits' of smoking outweigh the risks. This is now going to lead to more cognitive dissonance as I've just admitted that I'm potentially lying to myself 😀

  7. Cognitive dissonance happen a lot when you have self esteem issues. I've been bullied a lot in high school and seeing people always claim that I was a failure led me to believe I was. The thing is at this point changing this belief takes a lot of effort and since you are reminded every day that "yes you are failure" it makes it even harder. So the path of least resistance is… well to fail. Either by not even trying, or by failing a task you were going to succeed (usually without even realizing you forced yourself to fail).

    Or even if you are not making yourself fail, feeling a wave of anxiety, for exemple when you finally succeed to approach someone and have a normal conversation, thus leading to instantly be stressed out and look weird, do and say weird things, thus reducing your chances of succeeding.

    Basically all of those problems come from the way your brain handle cognitive dissonance and use the path of least resistance even though it's really harmful on long term and doesn't help at all.

  8. My now ex was diagnosed with bpd..and they ghost..cut and run without ever reaching out..idk Iam thinking perhaps it was a misdiagnosis and they have npd instead

  9. Well, you can treat this way if it's someone outside family. But if it's part of family member, it won't be due to naivety of cognitive dissonance. It's just hope and unconditional love.

  10. So you're saying he will never see me the same way that he once saw me? And I will never get to experience him (because of the way he will see me) as I once did? Please don't tell me that's what you're saying. I feel like I'm in the twilight, this shit is driving me crazy, I just want my friend back.

  11. I apologize for my long comment, but I would like to know your opinion and, if they wish, those of the people who may read my "poem".

    What if I actually managed to convince her to follow a psychiatric therapy and left her after 5 months?
    Let me explain myself better: I know I didn't do anything that wrong. I'm a human and make my mistakes, but every time, when the situation seemed to get better, she made a mess with her (and consequently my) life and the troubles started again over and over… I had my moments of rage, but I was always provoked by her foolishness and her many acts of disrespect. Including, maybe, cheating with more "friends" of her.

    The situation is that it's been a month since we left each other definitely, after 1,5 years of a few ups and many downs, but I still have this feelings of nostalgia and guiltiness which haunt me, because "What if I had been more patient to her? She had already made some improvements, after all… What if another person gets the lady I fought so much for? Did I deserve all that struggle to get nothing in exchange?"
    I agree with you when you say that we actually rationally understand that our questions and feelings aren't logical at all, but I just can't accept this situation yet. How can I face myself? And what do you think about my story?

    P.S. I left her because she had to go to dinner with a friend of her (a woman), but she ended up returning at about 3:20 AM after ignoring my messages and calls, which were not many: about 5 messages at 00:20 AM and 3 calls at 00:35 AM, 00:37 AM and 01:47 AM (the calls where made after she stopped answering). She actually disappeared for about 3 hours, right after I asked her on WhatsApp at what time she'd come back, at 00:20 AM. She saw the message and literally ignored her mobile. At 02:40 she finally picked up the phone, I saw her online and called her and met her at place near home. She accused me of never letting her get out with her friends, which is a huge lie, because it was SHE who has never been able organize herself and often stayed at home with her parents. Oh she accused me of ruining her evening, too… because I had told her I would wait for a message of her without disturbing. But how could I possibly ruin her evening if she just ignored me for three hours?
    Turns out that:

    – a relative of hers had died and that she ended up using her mobile for the rest of evening (LIE N.1, because her phone was actually ringing when I called her. All the three times);
    – during our quarrel, she received a message from a friend of hers (a man) which said "How are you now?"… Her initial explanation was that her friend (the woman) told him about this relative who passed out… But why? And why telling it to him and not me, who was the boyfriend?!
    – when I asked to see her phone (because she initially said that she hadn't received any call at all and/or hadn't heard it, which is strange, too, because she said they were at the friend's (woman) home to talk and she ALWAYS keeps the sound of her phone ON since I know her) she refused with all her strength. In the end I did manage to take it and saw the message of the male friend and opened his chat. I couldn't read that much, but I managed to see that my ex invited him for that evening. They also exchanged some vocal messages, but I couldn't listen to them.

    Long story short, there was a fight and then we left each other.

    After a couple of days she called me saying that she missed me (she still does it) and slightly changed her version of the facts: basically it was actually HER who told her friend (male) about her relative's death, but with her friend's (woman) mobile…! It still doesn't make any sense, just like MANY other situations she made me live. But still, there's the question: why telling HIM and not ME and why did she disappear?! … She answered that she didn't want to worry me… And that's it.

    I obviously didn't believe her and still don't, but please I need to know if I am the crazy one here or not. Please, because sometime in find myself in a hell of emotions and confusion and this is VERY hard for me to withstand.

  12. Whenever I struggle with cognitive dissonance with regards to my BPD divorce I always come back to this video to remind myself of what I went through.

  13. The love of my life, has what i suspect as BPD. In the beginning, i was the most amazing man in her world. I fell so deeply in love with her. We connected on so many levels. After a few months, our first disagreement, turned into a nightmare. Where she went CRAZY with rage. I mean. I used to fight MMA, and i was a boxer, ive never seen men have rage like that. After hours of being spit on, belittled, punched and kicked. I screamed in her face and told her to get out of my house. Instantly, i was an abusive monster and didnt love her.
    I learned as time went on, to NEVER fight back, and whatever you do, dont ask whats wrong, if she became disponded or distant. Asking what was troubling her, or what was wrong, resluted in a new and increasing level of rage, where it could last for days on end, i couldnt get a word in . To the point where i wished i just kept my mouth shut. She would scream so loud into the phone, that it just became distorted noise on my end, i would eventually break down and cry. And beg her to stop. That just made it worse. A vacation was ruined because i knocked on the bathroom door and asked what she was doing, i wanted to brush my teeth. It was a nuclear bomb, after that.
    Towards the middle and end, she devalued everything about me. My van, my dogs, my job , the people i worked with. My personality. She accused me of gaslignting her. I had to look it up to see what it was. I was a narcissist. A monster. And the biggest mistake of her life.
    In the end??? I was humiliated and called q liar and a manipulator, and discarded. Two days later , she was with the new love of her life.
    Its been 2 months. The pain is suffocating. Im deeply in love with her. Id give the next 20 years of my life, to have one good yesr with HER.
    I dont contact her.
    The pain of knowing that i love someone that much, and she looks at me as if im a monster. Im the biggest mistake of her life. Is a weight that i carry every day. I carrried a candle in my heart for her , for 30 years, before finaly telling her. I wish i never told her my love for her. I wish i had carried the candle in secret, to my grave, than shown her, and have her blow it out .

    Shes gone. Im.not without fault. At all. But shes gone. And i miss her

    Is there hope that my love will come back to me ??????

    Heartbroken

  14. I'm a quiet codependent that's abusive BPD ex left me. I still want him back. I don't think ill ever be able to have a normal relationship.

  15. Hi AJ, I am thankful for finding your videos and I believe they are helping a great deal. Everything you said it spot on for me and it seems like the same for everybody else commenting. My thing is I get it, but for my closure I feel the need to tell her and then just let her go. I don't know if my ex knows she is BPD .I definitely know she is. I know I'm not qualified but I lived it for 4 years. Everything I read about and heard about from you fits her and I found out about it 2 weeks after she left me and let a guy move in with her and her child ,Hell I don't care if I can never be with her again if I just plant that seed and let her go I can possibly help her and her pain and maybe help her new boyfriend and her child from experiencing the same pain. I'm not going to lie I wish I could have her back and after reading and learning I know it's not going to be possible and it hurts like all hell. I don't know what to do. If she comes and talks to me I am going to tell her.

  16. OMG, you are in my head, I am living this now with my on and off bpd girlfriend. I can't tell you how many times her 'potential' has kept me in it even though nothing has changed as she refuses to get treatment and I stay. My heart says stay as my mind screams go.

  17. Thank you Aj for this video. Cognitive dissonance is something I'm still struggling with and need help overcoming. It's been 5 months since I last had any form of contact with my ex and these thoughts pop up that you've mentioned. Does codependency make it much more difficult when it comes to cognitive dissonance ?